Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Servers deserve every penny; not tipping should be illegal.

Okay so I'm really upset. Earlier this morning I was casually browsing Facebook, liking statuses, uploading a few selfies and empowering classy, strong women by leaving comments on their pictures, (I got like tons of compliments back without even asking for one #littlemisspopular). Anyway, I was stopped in my tracks when I came across this horrid image that my friend Holly had shared to her page. It was a picture from an equally horrid facebook page called 'Bodybuilders Against Tipping", that showed a short, frog-like man flexing his muscles with a caption saying something like "#notipscrew" and "servers don't deserve tips, they're only carrying plates." EXCUSE ME!? WOW...Just Wow.
I was of course outraged, some of my best friends are servers and the they're treated like today's equivalent of fucking cotton-picking slaves from before the Civil Rights War! In fact I'd say they're treated far worse than the black slaves in some respects - at least the blacks got to be outside and get a sweet tan. How dare these small testicled, balloon animals question servers rights to be plenty awarded for their labour? I did what anyone would do, I left an angry comment, calling this juiced up douche brigade out, demanding they take the page down. The bastards didn't even respond, instead they posted a video of a man called Myrone Pegs, who was claiming to have a PhD from Stanford, telling the camera that he’s done extensive research on why not tipping benefits your mental health. WTF???? As a feminist, I recognize that science is simply a tool of the patriarchy, used to try to disprove feminist theory. Try again dudebros. Try A fucking GAIN

Anyway, this all got me thinking about, like, how much servers totally deserve tips (it's even in the name,
serve = deserve) and that they're justified in using any method necessary to get them.
Servers are mostly female. This should be reason enough to shower them with money, but I'm sure you fucking evil Patriarchs need a little more convincing.They're strong, independent women with excellent resumes and qualifications and have passed a long screening tests to get the prestigious job. They’re working their butts off every night, just trying to make meets end. Most are also very ambitious and shoot for the stars in the halls of Academia, the halls of Olive Garden being a mere stepping stone to their dream jobs. Servers are truly the Elite. They are the very zenith of human existence. If Swedish House Mafia's' Steve Angellos ancestor, Michael Angello, were alive today, I'm sure he would would have painted great works of art featuring servers. “Servers Chapel Ceiling” and “The Tipping of Adam” would be just the tip of the iceberg.

Servers belong in the upper echelons of society, their grace, amazing sense of balance, their ability to remember table numbers, their intelligence, creativity and perhaps most of all their perseverance, should be praised, nay, worshipped by society. But what do some people do? They treat them like dirt, like bugs under their shoes, by tipping them less than 20% or even, (the thought of it makes me sick), not tipping them at all.
Most servers are only getting between 20 and 30 cents an hour! Nobody can live on that kind of money. NOBODY. So when you hold your wallet tightly you are literally withholding essentials, such as food, shelter and iPhone 5s’s from these poor servers! You think you have it hard? Try carrying two or three plates every night while simultaneously remembering numbers of tables. The phrase “It’s not exactly rocket science” should be changed to “It’s not exactly serving”, I want legislations on this, because it surely falls under the anti-discrimination act or whatever. Rocket scientists have been getting far too much cred in recent decades, it’s time for servers to step into the light and dance in glory, a glory steeped in foody fumes.
Moreover, all servers are doing our country a HUUGE favour. They’re fighting daily battles on the home turf, and unlike their military counterparts, their weapons are not dangerous, evil, guns, but tolerant, knives, forks and plates. Servers give people food. Humans can’t survive without food. Servers are saving lives daily. You know who else saved people’s lives? God. Servers are literally Gods. So, where the FUCK are their medals of honor? HUH? Our imperialist US soldiers are celebrated for their “bravery” when they kill millions of women every year in the Afghanistan, and servers, who literally give people life, get spat on? LOGIC ANYONE!? I say we introduce a national Servers History Month to make up for our horrific treatment of the server classes throughout history.

You know what? Servers are justified in spitting in your food. In fact they’re justified in shitting in your food and in relieving themselves sexually into your food if you don’t tip. Period. My best friend Mae Bae Lynn, who’s a strong, sexy server , put , like, a used tampon in the food of some greedy non-server and I was like “You Go Girl”. This kind of behaviour needs to be encouraged. Kitchen Gorilla warfare is the only way to stop the greedy Patriarchs, until we get help from above.
It doesn't matter whether the server was rude or nice to you, they're entitled to your tips for doing their duty for their country. There's nothing you can say about this, it's in the constitution.
I propose that tipping becomes a legal issue, the Government is, afterall, there to make wrongthinkers realize the evil of their ways and get them to do the good things and become rightthinkers. I want to see, mandatory, 20%,  30% or even 50% percent tipping, and a several year imprisonment punishment if this law is not followed. This is the least that can be done to reimburse these, plate-bearing pillars of society for the evils we have done unto them in the past.
If you can't afford to tip. EAT. AT. HOME. In fact don't eat at all. Go starve and die.

The injustice must end. Help me end it, tweet under #UgotServedbyAnneGus

Friday, 18 April 2014

If you're a 30-something woman, 
your life is over and I hate you.

By Anne Gus

I am so fucking mad and emotional as I'm writing this. This has been one of the worst days of my life. Even worse than the day dad left mom and me. I mean it. I fucking mean it.

It all started out pretty good. I woke up at around twelve, had yoga class at 1, bought a totally chic new dress at 2 and   then I had a late brunch with Holly, Laura, Jane and Mae Bae Lynn at 3. After that it all started going to shit. Holly, this totally gorge Southern Belle, I think I've told you about before, asked if I wanted to come to a housewarming party at her friend Dakota's new place in Central Boston. I had plans already, this dweeb Marcus had asked me out to this really expensive restaurant, but I could easily flake on him, I knew he'd ask me again and again anyway. Pathetic. Besides, Holly said there was totally gonna be coke.

So I went home, got my hurrr did, put on my cute new dress, called one of my Nice Guys and told him to drive me to Dakota's. The party was already jumpin' when I turned up at the building. It was soooo funny, get this, my Nice Guy, I don't remember his name, totally thought he was invited and started like following me to the door, I had to like tell him that it was an invite-party only. The look on his face, omg, fucking priceless. This will be a fun anecdote to tell the girls, I thought to myself as I saw him turn back to his car, their Nice Guys always do funny stuff too.

Anyways, so once inside, I was having drinks and talking to Holly and my new friend , the hostess Dakota, (who's really pretty, like almost model pretty, I am prettier though) when I suddenly see this weird woman/beast on the other side of the room. The apartment was dim but I could still make out her face and it was like so unradiant and it looked like an army of crows had stomped her skin. I was like " Um, like, who let Mrs Dinosaur in here? and pointed to the creature who was talking to some hipster dude with a beard and a beanie. Holly and Dakota laughed and then Dakota kinda whispered, even though the music was loud, "Her name's Amanda, she's like 30." "30?..." I repeated, obviously confused. "Yeah, she's like 30 years old, I didn't want to invite her but she's my boyfriend Hunter's childhood friend so I kinda had to..." I was even more confused now. "Wait, so you're telling me, I started, that the human being over there was born in the fucking 1980's, she was alive when the Cold War was still going on!?" I said in that cute incredulous tone I have sometimes. "Yeah, said Dakota, isn't it gross? She's got like a kid and has a job and all that shit." Now I felt like I had to puke a little. Why wasn't she playing Bingo or something? I had thought this was gonna be a party for wild and crazy 20-something people, and now the presence of this old woman who was like allowed to get a driver's license in the year 2000(!) was totally killing my mood.

Okay so my night was already kind of destroyed but then it got like a million times worse. A bit later on , I was minding my own business having some healthy snacks from a little buffetable when that Amanda lady just decides to rock up next to me and start talking. "Are you one of Dakotas friends from school?" She asked me, greedily grabbing a mini-burrito. "Um no, I'm here with Holly, she knows Dakota from back in Texas, this is the first time I meet her" I moaned. "I're in college right?" The old lady pried. "Yes, I answered, getting annoyed, as a matter of fact, I take women's studies." I was expecting great praise but Amanda looked away , repressing a giggle.

WTF!? I couldn't believe my eyes and understandably, I got like really angry. Where did she get off on mocking the most important degree in the world.  "What are you laughing at bitch?" I kinda screamed. She looked at me like I had said something rude, then she was like "I'm sorry I didn't mean to laugh, I just thought of a few friends who took women's studies...they're all regretting it because they haven't found a job six years on and none of them are married or have children either."
 My head was boiling now, this dusty, ratchet ass Bitch from the fucking 1980's was disrespecting me, a fun loving 23 year old with supple and rosy cheeks, for getting a great education.

So, I did what I had to do. I called the bitch out. "Ummm unlike those friends of yours, I'm like really smart and ambitious and like I'm gonna get such a good job, and unlike you I'm gonna focus on my career and not get married and have like kids like the patriarchy wants me to, you're not even living a basic,  good fucking feminist life and you're trying to tell me how to fucking live?" I was shouting now. People had stopped mingling and were looking at us,  Amanda was looking a little scared now. "I didn't tell you how to live your life, I simply told you that my friends regret getting a women's studies major and not starting a family earlier, it gets harder the longer you wait you know" she stammered. I was about to lunge, to  open a can of whoopass on that Mullet-Era Monster, but Holly held me back "Anne, come on, she's not worth it."

Then I just went for it, I fiercely said what all 20-something women always have wanted to say to all the mossy 30-something women but never dared: "FUCK YOU, you fucking 30 year old BITCH, this is a party for strong independent, crazy and wild fucking twenty something women, and you come here with your wrinkly fucking housewife face and try to tell me how to live my fucking life. How dare you? You're just mad no man thinks you're hot anymore, you probably have to pay for your own stuff you bitter old cow, just go back home to your cats , your ugly husband and your little shithouse kid, you've ruined mine and everyone elses night, no one likes you, just leave us alone" I was crying now, relieved that I had finally said it, what everyone in the room were thinking. Dakota went up to Amanda and whispered "I think it's best if you leave now" Amanda seemed to want to protest at first, but then she just walked out on her own accord, her eyes empty. Dakotas boyfriend ran after her. It was over.

I'm still shaking, even now. I just hate how you elderly hags try to police young, hot women's lives. You're just jealous your butts aren't firm anymore, your tits have started to sag and your skin is nowhere sexy, supple or rosy as my girlfriends and mine. To all 30 year old bitches, men don't want , you anymore, NOBODY wants you anymore. Your lives are O-V-E-R. You'll never look as good as me. Unlike you, I don't plan on being old anytime soon.

I'm Anne Gus, the voice of a generation.

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Nikola Tesla didn’t invent jack squat: 
            Nikole Tesla did.

by Anne Gus

Okay, so like this piece is not only about Nikola Tesla, who lots of people like for some weird reason, but like about the Patriarchal oppression of women inventors in general too.
For millions of years, the machismo act of inventing stuff has been celebrated fiercely
by society. It began sometime like millions of years ago, when some white cis cave dudebro accidentally stumbled on a rock and somehow made a wheel out of a tree trunk or something. I'm sure his name was Boner and he was probably a raging misogynist, even by the standard of those Ye Olde times . Proud, he beat his chest called over the other oppressors, who were busy dragging strong, but sadly , at this stage in herstory, dependent , cave-womyn (I'm sure some were of color) by the hair and calling their sons weird for being gay.
They came over, sighed with relief seeing that that the wheel had finally been invented,  and so the frat “Alpha Boys Club of Inventors” was founded. They wrote “no women allowed” on the entrance of their cave , but not in the American language or whatever, cuz Shake-a-spear, the cave's bro scribe,  hadn't invented that yet. Fierce, bubbly and strong Women in their 20’s, who were probably inventing interesting things such as electricity, gravity and even hoverboards like in Spielbergs "Back from the Future" all day, were, upon trying to show their invention to the ABCI, dismissed and called "stupid broads."  
Today, inventions are applauded around the world simply because the Patriarchy tells us all that it is male inventors who invented these inventions. Do you think the invention called the internet would have taken off if the Patriarchy had told us a woman had invented it? Hint. No. People would say, things like “women are stupid, this invention
is dumb, I don’t need it, I’ll just download my music from the record store because this is the good old days”. That’s what he Patriarchy tells us to think about women.
But what is to say that it is in fact men who invented these inventions? What is to say this isn't just an inventive cover up invented in a place called Boulder on the wild Colorado, in the Boardrooms of the Patriarchy's HQs. What is to say that most inventions aren’t in fact invented by women? Doesn’t the name Nikola Tesla sound suspiciously much like Nikole Tesla, a strong and intelligent woman in her 20’s who probably lived at that time too? The heap of questions pile up, and are too hard for someone with an incisive mind like mine, to ignore. Guess what Patriarchy, your misogynist conspiracy is about to be called out. Anne Gus is on the case.
This theory sparked within me when I was sitting at Starbucks having this totally delish Frappuccino with coconut water (I know, it’s totally gross, but it makes my skin like so radiant). I was supposed to be doing writing this piece on the underrepresentation of women of color on the TV show “Ice Road Truckers” for school, but I was totally browsing Jezebel instead, feeling very empowered. Then, suddenly, my empowerment took a hit as this very problematic ad, from some stupid sensationalist site just trying to get hits, popped up saying “What happened to this dog after it ate a hot dog will shock you…” with a picture of a stupid fat dog in St Paddys clothes. I couldn’t help but clicking it, and from there on I clicked on another article, and another, and so I had unwittingly embarked on a click-a-thon.
Anyways, about four hours later I landed on a page with pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio’s original notebooks, you know with like the man with six arms and the weird looking airplane or whatever. At first I was like, wow, these are so well preserved for being from like, the 15th century before the Christ, but then, suddenly, something else struck me as very strange - The handwriting. I hadn’t seen that fabulous handwriting since , well , the last time I saw a woman's handwriting. I looked at my cup, the words
Fuck U Anne were scrawled across the cup (the barista was a little asian lady), but the fact remained, her handwriting was beautiful. Like all women’s.
Leonardo Dicaprio? Doesn’t that name look very much like Leonora Dicaprio?, I thought to myself. And then it hit me, the Mona Lisa, the very mysterious painting of a woman that (s)he painted, was it possible, that this was in fact, the worlds first selfie? OMG, now I totally had proof of my suspicions that most inventors were women acting under a male pseudonym.
I yelled SHANIQUA! like really loud cuz I had a total shaniqua moment, and this black chick shouted at me from the other side of the room “how you know my name bitch?”, she came over and was all “I axed u a question, we gonna do this? O’ we’re so doing this right now” #Rude, but not wanting to offend a minority, I ran out of the store and back to my apartment, where I frantically started doing research on inventors. #thirstyforknowledge #intellectualgirl
I found more evidence than I could ever had dreamed of to support my theory. Johanna Gutenberg, the Wright Sisters, Benjamina Franklin and Henrietta Ford. The photographs and paintings online, all with an inkwell filter (ewww wth? #valenciagirl), that were said to be portraits of the inventors were but pics of board members of the Patriarchy trying to take credit for these women’s ingenious toil. It ALL made sense now. How could I, like, have been so foolish.
That brings me to Nikola Tesla. Everyone seems to love him so much, but what do we know about “him”, I mean really? I mean REALLY?
According to Wikipedia (I know , it gets its funding from the coffers of the Patriarchy, but it’s a good source of info, so zip it), he was born in Serbia, (some small country in Paris I think) , in like the 1800th century. Then he went on to move to the US where he invented some electricity bulbs and, stuff. Hmmm. So far it sounds like it
could be a man. But then it gets weirder.

According to the Wiki article, he had a great dress sense. Yeah, like, how many skinny like 50 year old guys with moustaches do you see around that have a great dress sense? Suspicious. In the words of Billy Madison, “but wait there’s more”. Apparently he believed that women would be the superior sex in the future. Hmmm something is just not right here. Yeah riiiight you’re a 1800th century man who believes in female supremacy, suuure, some modern men don’t even believe in that. Wow...just wow.

I became like more and more convinced, that Nikola Tesla, was, in fact, the fierce and elusive Nikole Tesla.
I found the last pieces of the puzzle in Teslas esoteric childhood. Supposedly “Nikola”
had one brother and three sisters. Accounts, like, claim that his brother died as a result of horse riding accident or whatever. I believe, however, that the person who died that day was not his brother. It was, in fact, who we believe today to be Nikola. His sister, probably the youngest girl named Marica, a fierce and strong little girl , about 4 years old at the time, took the opportunity to crop her hair and assume the identity of the ‘Nikola’, that went on to become the famous inventor. She did this of course , to get the same opportunity as a man in the invention industry. The rest was a matter of simple cosmetics, a fake moustache, 12 packs of ciggies a day to get a deep gravelly voice and stilts to like copy socially constructed masculinity.
Still not convinced? Well as you might know, there were no women in Teslas life. Why? Well obviously because she was a heterosexual woman. Duh! And she couldn’t go for men, because like, he would be seen as homosexual and gays and transgenders were stoned to death in those days. Chessmate.
Now, I believe I have pretty much proved that Nikola Tesla was a woman. If you disagree with me you’re probably a sexist scumbag trying to claim that men are more prolific inventors than women. That's is bullshit. Do you believe everything the media and books tells you ? Sheeple. Everyone must know the truth. Can you handle it? Or are you narrow minded enough to believe that Tesla was a man? Fucking woman haters. I've had it. I am so flipping angry at the Patriarchy for concealing this from all of us for so long. It's like super hard to expose these lies, but i'll do it until it stops. Will you please
stop? I'm Anne Gus.
Expose the lie, tweet under #NikoleTesla

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Asian Women Need To Stop Dating White Men


They’re everywhere. I can’t walk half a yard down the high-fashion streets of Boston with my girlfriends without being visually assaulted by them. They are such an eyesore that I wish they would just put a big fat trigger warning on themselves, or just like wear one of those blankets that women from the Mid-East wear, jihads, or whatever, and cover up completely. Everytime I see one I can’t help but feel as though the Patriarchy is giving me a big fat Bitch slap on my rosy, supple 23 year old cheeks.
I am referring, of course, to WMAW couples: White Man – Asian Woman couples.

Okay, so now you might be thinking like, Gosh Anne, why you gotta be all racist, they’re strong, independent yellow women, choosing their own partners in life. If they wanna date a white man, all the more power to them, right?
Wrong. The WMAW phenomenon is itself one steeped in Patriarchal values, sexism and racism. Ever since its breakout, it has caused white men to trick millions of Asian women into relationships in which they’re being heavily taken advantage of.
Asian women, are you too narrow-sighted to realize that the only reason the most privileged and devious group on this side of the Milky Way, White men, are trying to get all up in your wonton soup, is that they are heavily fetishizing you?
If that is the case, let me explain something you, and you better listen, it could save your lives.
White men who chase after Asian Women are afflicted with something called, in laywomen’s terms, Yellow Fever, Asiaphilia or Hentai-ism. Unlike Scarlet fever, which, thanks to modern medicine was gotten rid of after like the First Spanish civil war, scientists back then had no clue how to cure its coeval cousin, the Yellow fever Pandemic. Even now, in 2014, or the Horsey year as you guys call it, we’re no closer to finding a cure.
Upon contraction of Yellow Fever, White men suddenly stop going after strong and beautiful white women like myself, and start trading us for our shorter, black haired and more yellow-hued sisters, namely, you people. Yellow fever is classed as a mental aberration and causes White men not only to date outside their own race, but also to see you Asian women as nothing but dehumanized, servile Toshiba robots.
White Men are in mass denial as to the severity of their illness, and try to mask it as a preference. When interrogated, they give a number of reasons and justifications as to why they suddenly begin crave girls of the more Animé persuasion, the most common being “Asian women are more pleasant than White women.”
Like, OMG? Do you realize how rude that is to Asian Women? Being pleasant is NOT a good trait, that’s a very Patriarchal way of thinking, being pleasant denotes that you’re not fierce and strong like women should be. Asian women, how can you tolerate this rhetoric being spouted about you?
According to many blogs that I read in preparation of writing this inspiring piece, The Patriarchy’s Asian Division seems to have, throughout the centuries, been harder on women in The Asia than here in the US. There seems to have been a lack of Oriental Dworkin’s and Greers in Asian herstory, something that has obviously halted a lot of progress. Some speculate that the small faction of what could have become The Asia’s revolutionary Feminist movement, The Crouching Tigresses, was massacred by Imperialist US soldiers in the Vietnam wars of the 1950’s.
I believe that, as a result of the lack of feminism in The Asia, a sexist and racist view of Asian women being softer and more submissive than Western women, has spread across the globe.
Being a very cultured young woman in her twenties who watches a lot of foreign film, I faced this stereotype many years ago. I mean how many female ninjas do you see in all the Bruce Chan movies ? I’ll spare you a thousand hours of male on male violence and tell you the answer. None. They’re always portrayed, either as ‘Gay Charles’ a homophobic slur that means “an Asian high-class lady of the night”, or rice picking slaves with Sombreros.
It is obvious that White men, a group that is infamous for watching movies, have harnessed this stereotype and now use it to justify pouncing on unsuspecting Asian women. They do this, of course, to feed their own twisted need to feel masculine and dominant, while exotifying, objectifying and dehumanizing you poor Asians. You hear that Asian women? They think you’re exotic, like Fanta Exotic. That’s right. White Men think you’re about as human as a carbonated drink. Think about that for a second.
How can you not realize that you’re being exploited badly by these White scumbags?
And, like they’re not even dating you for your looks, because, like no offense, but you all look kind of similar, so they’re dating you purely because of your race. Can you even fathom how racist that is? Seriously, am I like watching a new Disney Channel show called “That’s so Racist” or what the fuck is going on around here?.

Oh and what are we white women supposed to do now then, that you’re like, totally dating all the white guys? Are we supposed to like, go for your men? No offense, but they’re like kinda short and nerdy and not very hot. I mean they’re perfect for you, you’re like made for each other, but white men kind of like, belong to us.
Okay, that came out a little disjointed or whatever, but I was super mad when I wrote this. Asian women, you need to say no and stop being victims of White guy’s racist power fantasies, and conversely, White guys why don’t you back the fuck off, stop preying on poor Asian women’s weakness, and like come back to me and my friends already.
Help me put a stop to this Mandarin madness, show your Asian friends this article and send tweet under #stopWMAW. TC mark

9 reasons why I'm never having kids ( And you shouldn't either)
by Anne Gus

Okay so last week I celebrated St Paddys day with the fam, because apparently I'm like a quarter-Irish, and before you ask, yes I love Haggis and Leper-corn, I eat it, like, all the time. Anyway, Grand Auntie Phyllis, who's like 150 years old was there and was like totally rude to me.
I was minding my own business, having a Guinness World Record beer and a Banger (without mash), when she comes up to me all like:
" Congratulations Annie, what a blessing, I was beginning to wonder when it'd be your turn, how far are you along dear? Your tummy is looking pudgy"
Then she proceeds to rub my belly with a wide, nigh-toothless grin. 
Needless to say I, was positively aghast.
"Exsqueeeze me?
I fiercely blurted out  (I was gonna say 'excuse me' but my mouth was full), before I gave her a long and scathing lesson about fat-shaming, the Patriarchy and sexism. After I was done, she was all immature about it and almost started to cry, and then my mom comes in and is all like mad, at ME? WTF old people , what’s wrong with y’all, did someone piss in your cereal in the, like, 80’s or something? Go listen to some calming music why don’t you? Oh wait, I forgot , you don’t even know what Spotify is. Suck it.

Sure, I mean I know shes born in like 1877, but she’s been through two World Wars against women and she is still spouting these Victorian sentiments? 
Newsflash Phyllis, this isn’t one of your old Jane Fonda novels when like all women were maids and were like “thee” and “thy” and “thou”. The modern narrative is “Gay-Pride vs Prejudice, nothing else ‘thoe’. OK!?

And besides, my cousin Nathan “Shawty”, (he’s only 5'11 ), was laughing all throughout this spectacle. Why didn’t Auntie Phyllis ask him if he was pregnant? He’s twenty-six and at least 20 pounds overweight, the fat, red headed bastard. This is only one of many double-standards facing modern women, especially twenty-something women of color and lesbian persuasion. This is deeply problematic. In fact, it is so problematic that I am getting so tired of it the problems it’s causing. 

This whole episode got me thinking about stuff, such as this witty line: “you can take a hike, if you’re not comfortable with me 
not ever pushing out a grubby tyke”, along with these 9 reasons why I’m never gonna have kids. Never Ever. 

1. They're for old people

First of all, I am twenty-three. I am not some mossy twenty-seven year old who’s working a 9 to 5 job and paying bills and stuff. I am young and free and I have far too much fun in my daily life to even consider creating a little mini-Anne at the moment. I am still in college for chrissake, my Women’s Studies Major is still the little baby in my tummy that I’m going to give birth to pretty soon, is it so hard to comprehend that I don’t want some little brat trying to compete with my degree for my attention? 

It seems like only boring old people who don’t party have children. I don’t plan to be old anytime soon.
After college I want to devote my time to crushing the Patriarchy full time, not have a product of it crying from a cot up in my crib, like the Patriarchal and Mexican-shaming symbol, Jesus of the Christ. This would make me very unstable. I can just imagine, lighting a few scented candles, mixing a couple of Bloody Marys, getting ready to have a foursome with three totally cute Phil Major star students at my apartment, only to have the kid barge in, thinking it is a Golden moment to make me look like a giant Ass. Everyone goes on about kids being such angels, but I know, first hand that it is their primary goal(iath) to suck all myrrth from your soul. Trust me, I Noah.
God I’m clever.

2., The patriarchy expects you to
It’s all over TV and the Internet. Women. having. babies. You can’t even escape it IRL. Every day, in the streets, at the mall, at the bar,  I see all these women milling about with big preggo-bellies and I just can’t help but to cringe. Do you not realize that this is exactly what the Patriarchy wants you to do? Do you realize that you’re contributing to society's beliefs that women are only good for having buns in their ovens, (in both respects). All you’re doing is following a road-map of what your life should be like laid out by old, white cis men from like the 11th century Before Jesus of the Christ was born,  I literally have to hold myself back from confronting these women about their choices in life when I see them in the street.
I get the maddest when I see young women holding their own personal Chucky dolls. WTF? You’re in your twenties, you’re supposed to have fun, mess around and get down and dirty with a new hot guy every weekend, not be tied down by a bawling, boring little toddler. Save that for when you’re like thirty-five, if you must. Feminists didn’t fight long and hard so that could just give in to Patriarchy and have a baby at twenty-four without having fulfilled your career aspirations yet. Ever since the suffragettes, the Women’s rights movement has fought tooth and nail to give you the opportunity to choose the right thing. So, for shame young moms, you’re letting down women everywhere and you make me hurl. (I’m calling you out Mullen).

3. They're smelly messy

Have you ever been near one of these critters? If your answer is yes, then you know that they smell like a trash can full of used diapers, like all the time. Some of them don’t even know how to go to the toilet, so they just dookie and piss wherever they feel comfortable. Seriously? I know they’re like little and not very bright and all that, but can you be more selfish? Am I supposed to take care of that now? Do you really think I have no respect for myself? Do you think I’ll degrade myself to the degree of cleaning up someone elses shit? Because you sure don’t seem to be willing to lift a lazy little finger about it? Over. My. Dead. Body.
My cousin Laura asked me to watch her kid Benedict (stupid name, I know, but she named him after some True Detective actor) a few months ago. She offered me good money for the trouble, so I made the mistake of doing it.
You should have been there. OMG, this kid, could like, hardly get the baby food into his mouth, and he needed a bib because food was falling everywhere. I totally didn’t know what to do, he got stuff all over his hands and face and totally looked like something out of the “The Crawling Dead” at the end of it. I was sending snapchatting with Liz and Brenda all throughout this and they thought it was hysterical. I guess  It was like, bearable and even kinda funny, until I started smelling pee from his diaper. I was like, nu-uh, I’m not changing that, I am not a fucking butler, so I pretended that I hadn’t smelt it when Laura came home and complained about Benedick sitting in his own wee-wee. 

It wasn’t all bad though. I got a great Instagram selfie with Benedict, where I look like really sweet, motherly and totally goodie-to-choose, I got like 74 likes in an hour, and Tony texted me all like , “wanna come over and watch a movie?”

Let’s just say we got a bit smelly & messy too. In a good way though.

4. They're dumb

Benedict didn’t seem like the sharpest tool in the shed and that’s a pattern I’ve noticed among two year olds. His speech was slurred and incoherent, kinda like Tony’s, when he is drunk, but more like high-pitched, childish and less cute. Like, of course, he’s a kid, but I’m pretty sure that I was reading Harry Potter and the Goblin of Fire when I was two. I can’t really remember, cuz this was in the 1900’s, (OMG, now I feel old), but yeah I remember being one of the smartest kids around. 

Benedict wanted me to read a kids book about a Lion named Leo, but after flicking through it, I realized that there were only two female characters in the book as opposed to 5 males, so I downloaded a more tolerant E-book called “ The SCUM manifesto” and read it to him instead. He didn’t seem to follow the story at all and got really occupied with trying to touch my breasts instead. This is evidence that socially constructed gender roles start affecting kids very young, I wouldn't be surprised if this kid is already a budding men’s rights activist, only hindered by his inability to speak.

I don’t know, Benedict was just a total dummy. They all seem to be.

5. Because pregnancy

Gosh. This one is a no-brainer. Who wants to go around feeling fat and bloated for 9 months? Pregnancy seems like, so dull. Apparently, you’re not allowed to drink, do drugs or ride rides in amusement parks? It’s like the Patriarchy decided that pregnancy was to be the ultimate killer of fun for women, just to make our lives even more miserable. What are you supposed to do during weekends if you can’t go out with the girls, have a few drinks and a few lines in the bathroom stall? Sit at home and rub your belly and watch boring documentaries about Animals and whatnot on Discovery Planet for nine months? Your youth is about having fun, it’s all about you, you’re on the road on your own, why on Earth would you attach a side car and put a crying little thing in it? It just doesn’t make sense. Can you even do it when you're pregnant, doesn’t the baby like, get all knocked in the head by the dong? If I was preggers the kid would come out like totally retarded if Tony or Jamal got in there, that’s for sure.
Also, what would even happen if you did have a few drinks when you’re preggers? Wouldn't it be funner for the baby in the stomach? It must be so dark and boring in there, why not share some joy through the placenta or whatever? I don’t think the baby is gonna be all retarded from a few drinks, maybe it’ll have a hangover when it comes out for a day or two, but that’s nothing an Advil and sunglasses can’t fix.
Pregnancy sucks.

6. Because it could be a boy

OK so I don’t know if you can like see if its a boy or girl in the Ulterior sound, but there’s always a risk that you’re gonna have a boy. Me and my Women’s studies friends and teachers have this running gag, whenever someone is pregnant we ask “Is it a girl or an abortion?”. Yeah, okay, maybe that’s a bit mean, but I somewhat agree. Do you really want to raise a boy? You know what boys eventually become, right? That’s it, 
For the first years you’ll have this wild little thing that you constantly have to keep away from gender-targeted toys that the patriarchy is telling them to play with, such as Star Wars Lego and cars and try to get them to play with Barbies and kitchen stoves instead.
Then it’ll grow up, it’s voice will break , making it sound like a donkey and it will start to smell of sweat from its armpits. Before long it will start objectifying women by ogling at them in Bikinis and finally it’ll become a full-fledged Patriarchy-partisan who is a part of the growing rape-culture. I don’t want to endorse any of this, so I would never even consider raising a boy.

If you are unlucky enough to get a boy though, remember to steer it away from masculinity and raise him to respect and love women of all shapes, colors and sizes.

7. Because I wanna be free

This one is simple. I don’t want to have to prioritize anyone else ahead of myself. I am not a soccer mom. Period.

8. Because I wanna have a career

After I graduate from college, the world is going to be even more of a fragrant oyster than it is today. Equipped with my Women’s studies major, nothing is going to stop me from getting my dream job in some high-paying, prestigious field of employment. Apart. From. One. Thing. Can you guess what? Unless, you’re as dumb as Benedict, you guessed it, a kid. Is there anything more disempowering to an empowered woman in her twenties, than having to sacrifice your own pleasure and time to care for some problematic little bundle of “joy” that you’re not even sure is your own? I am gonna say NO. 
If you feel so fucking compelled to pass on your genes that you can’t keep your own ovaries in check, at least have the decency do it when you’re happy with your career, when you’re rich enough to buy all the cute shoes you want and when you’re on the board of a fortune 5000 company. 
Somewhere between 40-45 is the ideal age to have a kid if you abso-fucking-lutely must have one. This is the age men will find you the most attractive according to hit-shows such as ‘Cougar Town’ and ‘The New Adventures of Old Christine’. This is the window wherein they will want to make the most babies with you. Some pseudo-scientific reports try to tell us women that we have a biological clock on us somewhere that is ticking somehow inside us that make it impossible to wait too long to have a baby. This is obviously bullshit. Have they even studied human anatomy? I have never heard as a much as a tick, and as far as I can tell there are no numbers anywhere on my body, (I’ve checked countless times). I believe this is hoax spread by the Patriarchy to try to get women to have babies early and be Man's eternal housewives. I see through your lies Patriarchy. Try a-fucking-gain. 

9. Because I wanna travel
As a woman in her 20’s traveling is supremely important to me. If I could choose between a 20 billion dollars and 20 travels, I would choose the 20 travels. Without. A.  Doubt. 
Being a 20-something woman, I love to travel because traveling can really open up your eyes, especially if you’re a woman who has lived for between 20 and 29 years on this Earth, like myself. But, traveling as a woman in her 20’s can however, be problematic, to say the least, especially if you have a child. 

I have witnessed this firsthand. Last spring break, on the plane to Cancun, I was chillin' with a glass of white whine watching Pretty Little Liars season 3 on the little screen on the chair in front of me, when , suddenly, I heard an ear-shattering shriek. I turned around to see a woman, who looked to be in her 20s, cradling a screaming little baby. The sight disgusted me to say the least, I actually think this is the moment when I decided to never have baby. When I told her to get it to stop crying, she looked all offended and started arguing with me. It got kinda heated, and eventually some other jackasses started defending, not me, but 
her. Even Gemma, a fellow woman in her 20’s, tried to tell me that what I was doing was wrong and that I was causing a scene, but I was adamant and fierce in my arguments. Eventually, a stewardess who was not in her 20s and obviously not an ally of women everywhere, told me to shut up or they would land the plane in the ocean and literally throw me off. Bitch.

That’s just one example of having a kid when traveling can cause big problems.


5 Things Women Need To Do In Their 20′s (Or Else The Suffragists Died For Nothing)

my pieces from TC bitches 
You’re young, you’re free and you’re empowered. Nothing is stopping you from espousing a carefree attitude and and embarking on fun adventures!

 As young women in 21st century, the world is truly our fragrant oyster.
Don’t get me wrong, women are still oppressed to a monumental degree. The patriarchy is still an omnipresent overlord, endorsing cultural structures that keep women from realizing their full potential and contribute to a harrowing loss of self-esteem, especially to women who don’t fit into society’s straightjacket-like norms of what a woman should be like. However, we must remember and celebrate the fact that, thanks to the brave endeavors of so many strong and independent women, from the fierce suffragettes in early 20th century to the fearless women of the fat acceptance movement today, young women have it better than our mothers and grandmothers did in their youth. 

Here are 5 things every 20’s woman should do to truly bask in the glory of empowerment:

1. Mess around

Sexual liberation has done so much for women everywhere, and while our government still refuses to provide us with what we are more than entitled to (free abortions and free birth control) we still have lots of opportunities to have casual hookup fun and flirty, bubbly flings without being burned at the stake by judgmental cisgendered old men with white beards.
Your twenties are all about you. It’s a time for discovering yourself, your strengths, and your weaknesses, but most of all it is to do what feels right in the moment, have fun. You know that barista with the bristly mustache at your local coffee joint, the one with the squinty eyes and creative tattoos that just make you tingle and forget all about your pretty frappuccino, have a tumble in the haystack with him. You know that drug dealer with the shaved head and the facial piercings, the guy with the forearms that make you melt and who might have been to jail more times than Paula Deen has uttered a racist slur, do him too. And I musn’t forget the six foot three football playing frat guy that you see making love to a beer bong every weekend, he might not be an algebra wiz, but he doesn’t need math to know the right angle to thrust at.
Me and my girlfriends have a mantra, “If he makes you tingle, let him eat you like a Pringle.” This is something to live by for all twenty something women. Sure, he’s not gonna buy you any nice gifts, send you cute texts that make you feel like the only girl in the world and you might burn your feet on the hot sand of many exoduses of shame, but lord is he hot. 
Sorry (#notsorry) to all the creepy, short guys who come up to me and my girlfriends at the bar, the library or in the street, you don’t have a chance, so do us a huge just leave us alone. Maybe we’ll want you in our thirties, but now you’re just a pathetic peasant fawning over a princess. Just stop it.

2. Party

Anyone who doesn’t let loose and party in their twenties is probably not worthing even talking to. Like. Ever.
Become best friends with the bartenders at your local bars and clubs, try every drink at least once and then do it all over again. And if the mixologist is cute, you know what (or who) to do after closing time in the back room. Make sure never to pay for drinks though, you’re better than that. You’re young and free and women haven’t come this far just to throw away their salary on alcohol when chic shoes are so expensive. (Yes we live in a world where women’s shoes are more expensive than mens, thanks patriarchy.) Believe me there’s always some chump buying you shots thinking he’ll ever have a shot. Puhleaase. Dance like no one is watching, scream, shout and sing with your girl friends until closing hours. Nothing is stopping you from being the wild and crazy girl you always wanted to be.
Try whatever you can get your hands on. I hate to use the expression, cuz it makes me seem like I’m not that special, but you only live once, afterall. Go to concerts and get backstage afterwards with the cute long haired members of that band you like. Take those cute little yellow and pink pills they give you and hoover that table clean of white powder, then have some fun with their instruments, (both kinds). Sure, drugs can be dangerous, but only if you get addicted and that’s unlikely to happen–we’re strong independent women, it shouldn’t be so hard to not be dependent on drugs. And if we became addicted, so what? That’s just another adventure, and to anyone who disagrees, that’s just junkie-shaming. Just live in the moment and give everything a try or two, apart from maybe Meth and Heroin, you don’t want to shatter those dreams of becoming a model. Party on girls. You deserve it.

3. Major in women’s studies

This one is a no-brainer. If you don’t agree you’re probably an ignorant, sexist, transphobic, slut-shaming mysogynist cis white male and possibly a rapist.
Women’s studies is not just a college course, it’s a way of life. You learn so much about yourself and the sometimes, frankly, evil society that we live in. You will graduate a knowledgable unafraid young woman who will see the world through a warm and loving lens of social justice.
You will see the structures in society, laid out by white hetrosexual men, that still to this day serve to treat women like second class citizens. You will have learned aboutherstory, the amazing stories of impressive feats that women of color have achieved without being recorded in the history books, and how almost all inventions throughout history were actually invented by women, most who had the credit taken from them by oppressive men. Women’s studies is not only about learning about the oppression of women, it’s about studying the oppression of all groups that aren’t privileged. You will have added able-ism, class-sim and sizeism and many other concepts of cultural oppression to your mental dictionary and you feel so powerful because of it.
Women’s studies gives you invaluable tools to have in life and makes you feel so empowered that nothing can stop you, not only your future career in whatever prestigious field you may choose, but also in your daily life. I last used the rich arsenal of feminist weapons that Women’s studies gave to me this morning to call out a disgusting male Mcdonalds employee. I was feeling peckish so I ordered three happy meals, the order was placed on two trays, and even though I was on the phone, that loser thought it was OK to talk to me. Rape apologist. He asked me if I wanted help carrying the trays to my kids. I quickly put the call on hold and gave him a lesson in not practicing fat-shaming and sexism anywhere in my presence, and nowhere else for that matter. I got him to check his privilege and I felt a warm glow of satisfaction spreading through my body as I sat down, drenched my fries in Ketchup and went to town on my first burger.

4. Run a Tumblr

In case you have been under a rock since, like, 2005, you know that Tumblr is the most important website of our generation. It is such a vibrant place filled with all the right kind of people. There are so many social justice blogs that it would take a million and a half years to read them all, but that’s okay, reading them all would probably make you literally *trigger warning* explode with joy.
Post. A lot. Running your own tumblr blog can be hugely rewarding, you’ll get tons of supportive and right-thinking comments on your posts, you will feel really good about yourself you will probably make a lot of good friends who use hundreds of different pronouns that you can follow on twitter and get an even more diverse online experience. Of course, thanks to Patriarchy, you’ll get the occasional troll who tries to argue some stupid “equalist”, (code word for anti-feminist) agenda, but just ignore them and you’ll find most of the time on there to be very self-affirming and fun. 
Unfortunately Tumblr is not only a place for good blogs, there are some extremely sexist blogs featuring, for example skinny, blonde women in bikinis. Click away as fast as you can or write a good comment on why the authors are being sexist, heteronormative freaks, and remember that you are beautiful and you deserve the best whatever you do and who ever you are. Beauty standards are just a patriarchical imprint on society, don’t let them ruin your blogging experience.

5. Travel

Newsflash men, women are no longer your kitchen slaves, we can go wherever we want now.
Jump on a plane with a girlfriend and see where it takes you. Don’t research too much about where you want to go, just follow your heart and let it grow wings.
Did you accidentally stumble upon a documentary on India, and just felt like you had to go there. Then go there. Book a ticket the next day, nothing is stopping you and if you have a boyfriend, get him to treat you to it (If you don’t have a boyfriend to pay for you, and can’t get one in time for your vacation, there’s always websites that allow girls to travel the world, financed by rich men who really know how to treat a woman). Cancun for spring break? Why the hell not? Leave your boyfriend at home and have fun with the girls for a few weeks, do number 1 & 2 on the list and do it good.
You’ll literally have soooo much fun, waking up to a beautiful Mexican sunset on a beach next to some tall dark stranger, shopping for cute new bikinis and just laying on the beach waiting to have drinks given to you by little brown Mexican men. If you really want to show the world that you care about important stuff, you should volunteer. Go to some poor country in Africa and teach a few super skinny kids some English, it may sound really boring, but you’ll get a golden tan and but if you get a lot of good Instagram pics you’ll look like the biggest angel and everyone at home will love you even more! You deserve it. And hey, there might be some cute African men walking around with spears and stuff, at least that’s what I’ve seen on BBC. 
Stop making excuses. Just go, be free, and don’t think too much about it for Pete’s sake! The world is literally yours. Literally.
Oh and and and lastly 
Just be a wild and crazy girl in her twenties! Live. Laugh. Love. TC mark